Top 10 Things to NEVER do at a Mother's House

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I've had a bit of a heavy week, so I've been MIA on the blog front. In the spirit of trying to make myself laugh (and hopefully YOU too), here is The BadAss Mama's Top Ten List of Things to NEVER do at a Mother's House:

10: Leave dishes in the sink - I already have 2 kids. If I wanted a third, I would be pregnant by now. Clean up your own shit.

9. Utter the words "You look tired" -  We KNOW that we look tired. Reminding us that we are close to breaking the record for "Most Nights of Interrupted Sleep" will not get you brownie points...but it may get you slapped.

8. Ask "Are you going for the girl/boy?" - That's kind of like asking any woman NOT in active labor when her baby is due. Or asking a random stranger about their sex life. Yet another way to possibly get slapped...

7. Mention how tired YOU are - There are few exceptions to this rule, including other parents (we hear you), night shift workers (ditto), on-call doctors, police/fire personnel, active military and astronauts. Other than that, shut up. You can't POSSIBLY be that tired. And if you're tired from going out the night before, get out of my house.

6. Offer unsolicited advice on how to discipline the kids - Fellow parent or not, unless you witness abuse or neglect keep your opinions to yourself. If we want your advice, we'll ask. And if you don't have kids - shut your mouth.

5. Ask "So, what's for dinner" - There are six mouths to feed at BadAssMama Central (including Kitty and Fishy Torres). On a good night, I get around to four of them (Angel and Victor are always on the list. Everyone else is hit-or-miss). Unless you have a to-go menu in one hand and cash in the other, these words should not cross your lips.

4. Ring the doorbell during naptime or after 8pm - Knock lightly, call or text. If you wake up my kids, you may end up on the 11 o'clock news.

3. Make a mess and leave before cleaning up - Kids are the ONLY exception to this rule. For additional detail, see Point #10.

2. Talk trash about the screaming baby on your last flight - Unless these words are followed by, "And then I offered to help the mother. I can't imagine how hard that was for her". Otherwise, I will fill my kids with Red Bull and candy corn, ask if you can watch them "for a few minutes" then leave for  a Harry Potter marathon...

1. Bring candy/cookies/caffeinated beverages for the kids - Unless you ask first and are willing to stay with them during the aftermath (while I go out for a drink...)
Anonymous said...

hilarious!

RaeRae said...

I just read through a dozen of your posts and thank you.... thank you... thank you... I feel like I am not alone.

Jason Michael Brooks said...

I ove 4,2,1 lol I do number 1 all the time!

83914814-bbb4-11e0-9cad-000bcdca4d7a said...

I might post #10 on my fridge...

Amy said...

RIGHT ON!
I posted on my blog recently about a "Must Have Front Door Sign" http://amyfromtheheart.blogspot.com/2011/07/must-have-front-door-sign.html
I'm definitely sharing this post with my friends!

Targi said...

I need this in poster format!! Words to live by

Anonymous said...

OMG this is too funny! I am the mom of a 4-year old girl that keeps me so busy; I have a home-based business that keeps me also very busy, plus add to that the housework. Thank God my hubby does the cooking, yard work and helps me clean up. BUT, man! do I look tired! And I'm 41 BTW. I know I look tired but I just have to keep on and just wait for the next phase in motherhood. I do fix myself and try to look the best I can for now. This post is so good because just a few days ago I got totally insulted by my sister who lives in another country, and she came to visit, and when she went back she told everybody in the family that I looked so bad, that my skin was dry, that she didn't give me 2 years of life if I continued living like this so busy, etc. etc. add to that -that I didn't know how to raise my kid, she can do it better I guess... and that I look like death. Listen, I am a person that never cares about what people say, BUT this, man this hurt, because we mommies hold in very high esteem the work we do for our kids, our work and our home. No one could replace us in our own jobs and we have to pad ourselves in the back everyday to keep on and keep on. But people like this, they can really bring you down.

mistyslaws said...

9, 7 & 4 FTW! One halloween when my youngest was a baby and oldest was 3 I almost went homicidal on a bunch of trick or treating teenagers because after NINE O'CLOCK at night when I had turned out the front lights and most lights in the house and put a SIGN on the front door that I was out of candy, they STILL insisted on ringing the doorbell. They were assholes. My husband was afraid we would get egged for not answering the door. I was afraid I would be on the 10 o'clock news for murdering the little bastards and then CPS would have to come and take my kids away (don't think that hubby would escape my homicidal rampage). So, yeah to the no doorbell ringing thing is basically what I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I think some of these are ridiculous. Don't expect your GUESTS to clean up after themselves. They are GUESTS! Don't offer advice? Seriously? You may not like what someone else has to say, but you need to hear it in order to decide whether or not it's right for you. If you don't want your doorbell rang, remove it. I feel like your ranting is being rude to people who care enough about your family to actually come and see you. I think it's time to put on your big girl panties and embrace what life throws at you. In other words, grow up and don't be so bitchy about little things that don't matter. I have 3 small children, so while my opinion may not matter to you or anyone else, I have the experience to back my claims.

D. denise D. said...

Simply marvelous. I laughed the entire time. #lovedit

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