Faith over fear?

It's hard to have faith when you're angry with God.

Let me explain.

I've never been one to believe that everything happens for a reason. There are simply too many unreasonable events in life for me to believe that this is true. At the same time, The BadAssMama hates nothing more than a whiner. No one ever said that life was going to be fair and, for good or for bad, I was raised in the "suck it up, Buttercup" school of thought. I learned for the most part to swallow my emotions and move on.

Then my sister died.

Stacy had sickle cell anemia and was killed by an overdose of pain medication at the very hospital she went to seeking relief from a pain crisis. To make matters worse, when she called me and said that she was just going to take some Tylenol with codeine and take a nap, I was the one who told her to go to the hospital. I may not have administered the lethal overdose of morphine, but I can't help but feel responsible in some way for her death.

Nearly 20 years later, I have a son with a form of sickle cell. It's not the exact same disease that Stacy suffered from, but the impact can be just as painful at times. Last week he was hospitalized with a pain crisis. The only medication that can ease his pain during a crisis is...morphine. Each time, I explain to the hospital staff my sensitivity to the drug. They are understanding, empathetic even. They allow me to watch them calculate the proper dosage based upon his weight and observe as they dispense the exact amount.

And then I watch in silence as they administer the same drug that killed my sister to my little boy.

I want to understand why God would allow my family to suffer the loss of my sister in such a preventable way. I want to understand why God would allow my son to suffer the same disease as Stacy did. I want to understand how I am supposed to trust and have faith that everything will be okay when I watch, helplessly, as my child is in pain.

I want to cast my cares upon Him because I know he cares for me. I want to trust that He knows the plans that He has for me and my family - plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give us hope and a future.

I believe in God and I believe that He cares for me and my family. But I'm still angry.

Skyraven said...

Hi mama,

My condolences on the loss of your sister. As for God, I can totally relate. A couple of years ago I was so angry at Him and realized something - God can't be God if He couldn't handle us puny humans. He created us with all these different emotions. Anger is just one of many that we can express. So go on with your bad self and be pissed. God can handle it and He loves you. :) Praying for you mama. Xoxo

shon said...

I woke up coughing... and to pass the time, until falling back asleep, I made a sweep of faceboook. Glad I did. Your story touched me. Its okay to be angry. God even allows it. He says, "be angry but sin not".

Amazingly, even in pain, you have not cast away your faith... you are simply questioning it.

For any mature Christian, I truly believe it is a journey we will all face with our own unique circumstances. God, at some point, will make a situation so much bigger than ourselves, that out of sheer frustration, we will either turn away from this so called faith we've been told is real... or we will start to challenge the scriptures and all of its promises to PROVE its real.

The journey ultimately takes your faith from reading a scripture to living them! To having a relationship with God instead of relying on what other's think of Him. To eventual revelation... that comes with complete confidence, that God is able:

* to heal
* to restore
* to prove that what was designed to destroy you and your family... is being turned around FOR YOUR GOOD...
* and produce a testimony, that will lead many to Christ.

This is the side to living a purpose driven life preachers rarely share...

Waaaay before the financial stability, the promotion, the favor of God:

We must face, confront and OVERCOME circumstances that:

*are unfair
*endure seasons of isolation
*face loss
*and rejection

Trust me none of it is designed to hurt you... BUT MOLD YOU.

ASK David... who was considered unlikely to be King by his own Father, ridiculed for his slingshot abilities and pursued relentlessly by the reigning King Saul, who wanted him killed because of God's favor on his life.

From a micro perspective... he had a choice... abandon his faith or stand on it with reckless abandon. Because none of it makes sense.

From a macro perspective... God used the humiliating isolation, rejection, confusion, fear and loss unbeknownst to David to prepare him for his greatest calling: KING.


Stay encouraged!

Staci said...

So very touching. You are amazing. I love the grace you show in so many situations. Love and take care of your babies you are a mama lion!

Anonymous said...

This is one of life's mysteries. Why bad things happen to good people. These are the things that truly test us, especially when an innocent child has to suffer. there's a good book aptly titled When Bad Things Happen To Good People. I recommend it and always keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, LAB

Post a Comment