Do as I say...

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Physician, heal thyself. Do as I say, not as I do. BadAssMama, get a grip.

Yup, that's right. After tomes of self-help and mommy happiness books, I have once again found myself depleted, depressed and down-right exhausted.

Let me explain. 

The past several months have been more-than-a-tiny-bit hectic. The good news is that I am more than back in-the-groove at work. The bad news is that with it comes yet another round of the BadAssMama Travel-O-Rama. Between my once-every-ten-years girlfriend's getaway, a speaking engagement at my alma mater and random business trips I have been on the road roughly every 3 weeks for the past 2 months.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it  and each of the trips has been successful in their own way.

The past 2 weeks have been particularly hectic. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I have once again averaged 4 hours of sleep per night. That average likely came down a bit in the past 5 days, which involved:

 - An 8 hour trip to the emergency room (long story, everyone is fine)
 - 2 hours of sleep before a 6:30am cross-country flight
 - Less than 2 hours of sleep on said cross-country flight because my wonderful-yet-very-chatty boss sat DIRECTLY NEXT TO ME on the 6:30am flight
 - A 22 hour day followed by roughly 5 hours of sleep (ah, the joys of a bi-coastal career)
 - An overnight flight, landing at 6am with a 9am budget meeting waiting for me on the East Coast

By the time Thursday rolled around, I was a wilted, blubbering mess. I worked from home out of sheer necessity (damnit-to-hell is not a good look) with the hopes of catching a bit of shut eye, to no avail. Back-to-back conference calls until 4pm. By then, I was simply too wired to sleep. Fast forward to this morning, and I've spent most of the day crying into my spreadsheets. 

I wish I could say that this was an anomaly. An aberration in the otherwise exhausting yet properly balanced life of a BadAssMama. Alas, it's more of the norm than an exception. And the real kicker is that I'll probably do it again.

It's not the travel or the emergencies that are the problem. Although they certainly don't help, they are the stuff of a mother's life. It's my on-going-nasty-little-habit of putting myself DEAD LAST. I get 4 hours of sleep, not because I have insomnia but because I choose to stay up to fold just one more load of laundry, set up for the morning or review the spreadsheet one last time. I agonize over what I put into my kids' mouths, but often settle for whatever crap is left over in the conference room when it comes time for me to eat - if not skipping meals entirely. I have not seen the inside of a nail shop in MONTHS and there are enough knots in my shoulders to make that slightly hot-yet-creepy old guy from Avatar cry. Downtime is non-existent - not out of necessity, but by choice. 

Enough.

This BadAssMama is going to TRY to put myself on the priority list for once. REALLY this time. Not only for my own sanity, but for the good of my family. A blubbering, bleary-eyed shell-of-a-woman can barely help herself much less serve her family.

It is 8:53pm on a Friday night. I'm going to read a bit of my new book to wind down and I am going to bed. 

Wish me luck...
Elle said...

sending good luck and self-prioritizing thoughts your way. "and this too shall pass." :)

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